I Can't Help It

now I know why so many girls out there can spend many nights to cry over guys who broke their hearts. now I know why so many girls out there feel trauma of getting close with guys. now I know why so many girls out there are hard to move on and get over guys who hurt them.
I used to be so naive of those kind of things. because I never felt it and when my friends tell me their pain, I could give suggestions without even really understanding their feeling. I could easily push them to move on and don't cry over him. easy to say, but hard to do, right? and now, I could understand these things.

this guy, unexpectedly can make me feel all those things. this guy, unexpectedly can make me head over heals over someone. yeah, this guy. because of this guy, I can understand how hurt it is to fall for someone.

actually, I have no rights to feel all these kind of things. because you're not mine and you will never be mine. how could I know it? because we're different in everything.
I once said, I will never fall in love with a guy who doesn't know Jesus and I will never get close to another girl's boyfriend. how pathetic I am, now I'm feeling those things.
when I heard my friends are in relationship with someone who has different belief with them, I always asked how could it be. and God has given me the answer, because comfortable is the force of nature. you can decide whom you will get comfortable with. how can I say that? because it is happening to me. I'm feeling comfortable with a guy who has different belief with me. and this guy already has a girlfriend. dammit!

I have this feeling but I don't want to stole him from his girlfriend. I will never do that. but, the thing is, I can't get over him.
there were days when I felt we -me and this guy- are so close. chatting all day long, even we acted like a couple. don't get me wrong. really, if you were in my position, you will forget about everything, including the fact that this guy is already taken. I don't want to be a third person in someone's relationship. because I know, being cheated is the worst feeling ever. and what happened in the next day? he would make you feel like you were nobody. like there was nothing happened in the day before. sucks!

now let me explain what I'm feeling now. do you know how hurt it is when he makes you fly, and suddenly throw you down without feeling sorry? you feel angry, but you have no rights to feel angry and can't ask him an explanation.
there were days when you felt like he was making you like someone special, but then he was gone without any words.
maybe it's my fault for being so obvious about my feeling toward him. there were days when you felt like he had the same feeling, but then you felt that he only utilized you because he knew your feeling to him. again, it sucks!

now, I don't know what to do. I know that there's nothing to worry about, because I know I will never have him. but this feeling, I can't help it.

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What Can I Do?

I used to be a girl who never experienced sort of things like broken heart, hard to move on, difficult to get over someone, or something like that. We can say that I was the kind of girl who never knew what the real falling in love was.
Began when I heard your name for the first time. sounded unfamiliar and I was so curious which one the guy with that name, but I couldn't figure it out. then the second semester I found out that you were in the same class with me. that was the first time I saw you. honestly, I didn't really like you. you were really annoying, like you cared about everything, every single thing. how you couldn't be quite just for awhile was really annoyed me.
in the next semester, again we took the same classes. well, it didn't really bother me, sometimes I got so much fun because the stupid things you did, but it didn't make me not to get angry when you couldn't control your mouth. firstly, everything was going really smooth. I remember I was the one who chatted you first because I was asked to ask you joined in cheers team. and it continued when you started asking me about homework. I didn't know how could it be, but I realized we were getting closer and closer.
one thing that I will never forget was the days when we chatted until dawn. I really enjoyed when we had little jokes, when we told something to each other, and when you really helped and give me suggestions in doing my homework. again, I don't know when it began, but I started realizing that I had a strange feeling to you.
I thought it would be the same feeling that I had ever had before. but I was wrong. days passed and this feeling was growing up. I was so confused. it was wrong. you and me were different and there were a lot of things that made this feeling impossible to be true, including you were already taken by someone else.
remember the night when I chatted you and asked you to hang out? I was really surprised when you said yes. believe it or not, but you were the first guy, even the first one who I told this secret, which even my best friends didn't know about it. you were the first guy who I cried in front of and showed my weaknesses. you were the first guy who I asked to hang out with. you were the first guy who brought me walking around in the night. you were the first guy who really understood me. you were the first guy who I could believe in. you were the first guy who could make me get comfortable with. and you were the first guy who could make head over heals.
remember the time when you let me hug you on the motorcycle? and yeah, you were the first guy who made me do that. and I was crying that time. why? because I couldn't handle this feeling. Maybe you thought I cried because of my problems that I had told you. but, to be honest I cried because of you. because this feeling.
I never got into someone this much. even I never had these feelings with my ex or another guys. you are the first. you are the first about everything.
I was really scared of loosing you. I was scared if we didn't get close anymore. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't want to lose you. because what? you are the first.
and in the 4th semester, God let us to be in the same classes. 2 classes of 3. you have no idea how happy I was. I was expected that after semester holiday, there would be a distance between us. but yeah, we are getting closer and closer. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. but to be honest, I am happy, I really am.
and this feeling? I don't know what I have to do with it. On one side, I think I have to get done over it, but on the other side, I'm afraid and don't want to lose you.
we are really close now. but I'm wondering, when it will be over and what things that can make us separate. if you ask me, am I afraid of loosing you? yes, I am.
I really enjoy the time we spent together. even when I'm feeling happy or low, you are the first thing I look for.
I've told God what I'm feeling now, basically about everything. and you know what? I asked God to let me enjoy this feeling. I told Him, "I don't have to be with you, but let me have this feeling. because I know that we can never be together".
you don't know how resentful I am when I realize this feeling. I never had this feeling, but once I have it, it is you, the one who will never be mine. you have no idea how many times I cried because of it, because of you. however, I'm really grateful, I can know you and have this feeling. because of you, finally I can know how it feels when you can't get over someone and when you are difficult to move on and lose the one you love. I'm grateful that you came into my life.
the biggest fear for now is I'm afraid if I can't be able to find someone like you. I'm scared that I will never love someone the way I love you. I'm afraid I will never feel this love anymore.
I'm wondering who is the guy that will replace you and make me have this feeling once again. you have no idea how I wish a miracle comes for us, even though I know it's impossible.
the worst part of this feeling? when I have no rights to be jealous with another girls and when I can't be able to say I miss you when I'm missing you. there is nothing I can do when these shits happen. because, what can I do? I'm nobody right? I only can keep it to myself.
after all, thank you for being a part of my life. because of you, I have something to tell to my future children.
you have to know this, I won't regret this feeling. even though maybe someday I will laugh because of what I'm feeling now, but I will never regret it. Otherwise, I want to say thank you for being the first for everything.

-M-

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19 menuju 20

kelahiran tahun 1996 buat aku seakan-akan jadi anak paling tua dibandingin teman-teman seangkatanku. most of them was born in 1997 and some was born in 1998. dan memang terbukti, waktu temen-temenku baru aja masuk ke umur 19, aku uda siap-siap mau umur 20. sedih tapi lucu juga kalau mereka ngece-ngece aku, nyebut aku tua uda mau kepala dua hmm 😂

ngomong-ngomong soal yang paling tua, emang bener kata orang, "umur nggak menentukan kedewasaan". banyak temen-temen disekitarku yang punya pemikiran lebih dewasa daripada aku, entah dalam hal kelabilan, mengatasi mood, mengatasi masalah, memberi masukan dan nasehat, dll. and if i look at my own self, seems like nggak ada kata dewasa di diriku. contohnya, di akhir kehidupan SMA, aku masih belum bisa mengatasi moodku. kalau uda badmood sampai temen-temen yang lain pada takut buat deketin aku, trus juga aku bisa tiba-tiba marah dan ngediemin seseorang karena aku yang keinget sama rasa sakit hati yang nggak jelas dateng dari mana dan aku cenderung exaggerate it. bisa dibayangin kan seberapa labil aku? 😂 kalau diinget-inget sih ya jadi malu sendiri dan ngerasa bersalah banget sama mereka yang uda jadi korban keababilanku. dan masih banyak banget hal yang menjelaskan ketidakdewasaanku. i have to admit it, i was so childish and probably until this time. now i want to say, maafin aku ya kalian yang uda aku jahatin dulu, makasih uda sabar dan masih mau temenan sama aku. i'm really sorry about that 😡

tahun ini i'm turning 20, hahah nggak tau mesti seneng apa sedih. tapi kalau ditanya ya dominan sedih. why? umur 20, kepala dua, uda tua, harusnya uda bisa mandiri. lhah kenyataannya? aku masih kaya anak kecil woy, masih manja sama mama (ketauan anak mama banget), belum bisa apa-apa sendiri, masih butuh banget orang lain untuk bantu aku mengatasi ke-insecure-anku, daannnn aku masih labil, masih moody. sedih banget aku belum bisa ngatasin itu 😢

punya harapan nggak buat umur yang ke20 tahun nanti? jelas punya. tapi ekspektasi dan realita selalu berlawanan sih ya (oke, kesalahanku buat nggak ngerealisasiin itu).
dari tahun ke tahun selalu punya keinginan, contoh: harus lebih dewasa, nggak boleh labil, nggak boleh moody, harus bisa mengasihi, dll. dan itu semua hanya bullshit bung!

tapi puji Tuhannya, di kehidupan kuliah ini aku uda cukup bisa mengendalikan moodku. uda jarang banget aku badmood. pernah sih dua kali atau tiga kali gitu, dan itu karena aku sebel abis sama temenku. tapi aku bisa ngendaliin itu dan bisa balikin moodku. itu perkembangan bagus lho buat aku hehe. trus juga aku belajar banyak banget dari satu temen kuliahku. aku temenan sama dia seakan-akan aku bisa liat diriku yang lain. aku bisa ngaca dari dia dan bisa ngerasain apa yang temenku dulu rasain waktu temenan sama aku. intinya, labilnya dia kaya labilnya aku dulu, dan rasanya tu sebel abis. jadi sadar gimana buruknya aku yang dulu. lagi, aku mau bilang, maafin aku ya guys, aku juga nggak suka sama aku yang dulu kok.
untungnya sih aku nggak ngalamin yang dia alamin kaya sampai dijauhin banyak orang, teman-temanku begitu baik, aku terharu 😰 thanks a lot ya gengs 😘😘😘

oke, 6 months left i'm turning 20. nggak muluk-muluk kok harapanku, makin deket sama Tuhan dan bisa mengenal dan mengontrol diri. jujur buat aku sulit lho ini. tapi masih banyak hari kan ya di depan, harus belajar dewasa hari ke hari.
selalu ceria layaknya anak kecil, berpikir dan bertingkah laku layaknya orang dewasa -mega, 2016-

intinya, being a better me day by day is a life goal! cheers!

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I miss you, Gongs

glad to be back here and start blogging again. well, fyi i've made 3 blogs before. the first one i made when i was in high school, it was for my school work, the second one was for my own blog but it was epic failed then I deleted it, the third blog i made it in the first semester of my college life because my lecturer asked us to have our own blog to submit our work. and this one is the fourth, yey! why did i make it? because i've always wanted to have my own blog where i can share everything about me and hopefully this one is the one which i can utilize very well so it's gonna be the last one (well this sentence is kind of disaster lol).

so here we go, my very first story in my 4th blog!

you can read in the title, i mentioned the word "Gongs" there. you might be wondering what "Gongs" means. okay, i would like to tell you the history of "Gongs".

i have 7 close friends and we've been friends since we were in high school. it's a long story why we can be close to one another, maybe i'll tell you in another post (if only i'm not lazy ngehe). soon after we graduated from high school, 5 of us go to SWCU, another 1 goes to UNS and the last one goes to AKPRIN. then we made like a multi chat in bbm, talking about random things in there. we used to say "guys" or "gengs", etc, then I got bored with that kind of word and decided to make a new one. and finally the word "Gongs" came up in my mind. where did I get that word? it was taken from the word "dugong". do you know dugong? if don't, then google it! after that i asked them to install whatsapp app and i made a group of us, i named it "The Dugongs".
and that's the short story behind the "Gongs" word. the end!

but, it's not the main topic. on this post, i want to share my deepest feeling that i really miss "the dugongs". i do miss us. how we used to be so close to each other, how the chat used to be full of jokes and stories of us.

it's been almost one year we are separated because we're taking different faculties and universities. remember the first days when we are being apart? we were still being us. but as the time goes by, one by one of us disappears because we're so busy with our new life. just some people that still active in the group chat. i know some of you are being silent readers while another ones are talking in the chat. i miss when all of us joined in the chat and made so much noise till the night came.
moreover, we never meet up "full-team" anymore. i remember the last day when all of us could gather full team, that was on Kezia's birthday last year. and what happened next? only some can do the "meet up" time.

i really understand that we're so busy right now. especially in college life, so many works to do even we don't know how to manage our time. i'm not angry with you. honestly, i'm disappointed. there were many times we planned to meet up and they always ended up with cancellation. don't get me wrong, i'm just missing us.

it's okay if we rarely can meet up, but can't you guys join the group chat again? fill it with your "receh" jokes, tell about your days, how's your college life.

finally, last but not least, I MISS YOU MY DUGONGS ❤

sincerely,
a little piece of 8/8

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