Insecurities

How does it feel to be beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing, talented? How does it feel to be praised and complimented by lots of people? How does it feel to be easily liked by everyone?

I look at those girls around me. This one, she is pretty, outgoing and has a lot of friends. That one is cute, photogenic, liked by many people. Another is, she is smart and talented. The other one is pretty, smart, has lots of experience, and inspiring. While my close friend, she has a sweet voice, pretty, and easy going. But look at me. What do I have? I'm not pretty (this word doesn't even describe me at all), I'm not smart, I don't have any talents, don't have a lot of friends, I'm awkward, somehow annoying and even toxic, boring, and seems there is no something special about me. I'm clueless of who I am, what strengths do I have? I only can see my weaknesses. I have nothing to be proud of. I feel so ashamed of myself. I have no achievements in any fields. I have nothing. Literally nothing.

Yep, I'm at the top of my insecurity right now.

Insecurity does kill me slowly. Until the point where I can't find my own worth.

I asked for help from my friends. They said many good side about me. They said I'm pretty, they said I'm smart, they said I'm kind, they said they don't even see my lack. Was it real? Was it all a lie? Did they really mean it? Did they say it all just to comfort me? Because I don't feel that way.
Pretty? No, I'm not. I'm far away from the so called pretty girl. Smart? I'm not. There were times when I was being so clueless about certain topics, certain conversations, and I was being super dumb. Kind? Define kind.

And you, my boyfriend. Are you sure I'm the one that you are looking for? Are you sure that you want to have the future with me? Are you sure that you are not ashamed of me? Your exes, they are beautiful and attractive. Even, there are many girls outside who are trying to get your attention. They are even prettier, smarter, and much better than me. Are you sure that you want to be with me?
I'm scared if finally you see me the way I see my self. I'm scared if eventually I'm not like what you are expected me to be. I'm scared if you lose interest in me. I'm scared. I really am.

I am sorry for being like this.

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About Us

I never imagined this would happen to me. Falling in love with a boy younger than me. 4 years younger than me. Never, even once crossed in my mind that I would fall in love with someone like him. Now it's happening. For finally I'm falling in love, really fall into someone. That feeling when I do care about someone else, that feeling of being so scared of losing him, that feeling when I really want it to be him at the end. But why it becomes so scary? I'm scared, really scared. Why should it be him? Why it can't be someone older or at least the same age as me? Why should it be you Bry?

Do you know that I'm really scared of us? You who succeed to make me believe in you for finally putting my heart in your hands, you who succeed to make me head over heels toward someone, and you who succeed make me falling in love really deep.

But here I'm sitting alone, feeling this thoughts of me being scared about you, about us. I'm scared Bry. I'm scared that your feeling is not true or it's just temporary. All those sweet things and dreams you told me makes me even more scared if it all is just a lie. I'm scared if finally you lose your feelings. I'm scared if it is only me who fall, I'm scared if it is only me who fight for us.I'm scared Bry, I really am. Do you know that?

And we have been different these past few days. Our chatting isn't as intense as it used to be. No more good mornings or good nights. Are you bored of me? Are you tired of me? Are you questioning yourself about your decision about us now? Are we still okay?

Bry, I'm scared. This tears keep trying to fall down every time I think about you, about us. Is it real? Do we really have the future?

Bry, do I really mean something to you? Are you even scared of losing me? Am I always in your mind?
Bry, do you really love me? Do you really want it to be me in your future?

Bry, I miss you. I love you. I really do.

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