Insecurities

How does it feel to be beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing, talented? How does it feel to be praised and complimented by lots of people? How does it feel to be easily liked by everyone?

I look at those girls around me. This one, she is pretty, outgoing and has a lot of friends. That one is cute, photogenic, liked by many people. Another is, she is smart and talented. The other one is pretty, smart, has lots of experience, and inspiring. While my close friend, she has a sweet voice, pretty, and easy going. But look at me. What do I have? I'm not pretty (this word doesn't even describe me at all), I'm not smart, I don't have any talents, don't have a lot of friends, I'm awkward, somehow annoying and even toxic, boring, and seems there is no something special about me. I'm clueless of who I am, what strengths do I have? I only can see my weaknesses. I have nothing to be proud of. I feel so ashamed of myself. I have no achievements in any fields. I have nothing. Literally nothing.

Yep, I'm at the top of my insecurity right now.

Insecurity does kill me slowly. Until the point where I can't find my own worth.

I asked for help from my friends. They said many good side about me. They said I'm pretty, they said I'm smart, they said I'm kind, they said they don't even see my lack. Was it real? Was it all a lie? Did they really mean it? Did they say it all just to comfort me? Because I don't feel that way.
Pretty? No, I'm not. I'm far away from the so called pretty girl. Smart? I'm not. There were times when I was being so clueless about certain topics, certain conversations, and I was being super dumb. Kind? Define kind.

And you, my boyfriend. Are you sure I'm the one that you are looking for? Are you sure that you want to have the future with me? Are you sure that you are not ashamed of me? Your exes, they are beautiful and attractive. Even, there are many girls outside who are trying to get your attention. They are even prettier, smarter, and much better than me. Are you sure that you want to be with me?
I'm scared if finally you see me the way I see my self. I'm scared if eventually I'm not like what you are expected me to be. I'm scared if you lose interest in me. I'm scared. I really am.

I am sorry for being like this.

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About Us

I never imagined this would happen to me. Falling in love with a boy younger than me. 4 years younger than me. Never, even once crossed in my mind that I would fall in love with someone like him. Now it's happening. For finally I'm falling in love, really fall into someone. That feeling when I do care about someone else, that feeling of being so scared of losing him, that feeling when I really want it to be him at the end. But why it becomes so scary? I'm scared, really scared. Why should it be him? Why it can't be someone older or at least the same age as me? Why should it be you Bry?

Do you know that I'm really scared of us? You who succeed to make me believe in you for finally putting my heart in your hands, you who succeed to make me head over heels toward someone, and you who succeed make me falling in love really deep.

But here I'm sitting alone, feeling this thoughts of me being scared about you, about us. I'm scared Bry. I'm scared that your feeling is not true or it's just temporary. All those sweet things and dreams you told me makes me even more scared if it all is just a lie. I'm scared if finally you lose your feelings. I'm scared if it is only me who fall, I'm scared if it is only me who fight for us.I'm scared Bry, I really am. Do you know that?

And we have been different these past few days. Our chatting isn't as intense as it used to be. No more good mornings or good nights. Are you bored of me? Are you tired of me? Are you questioning yourself about your decision about us now? Are we still okay?

Bry, I'm scared. This tears keep trying to fall down every time I think about you, about us. Is it real? Do we really have the future?

Bry, do I really mean something to you? Are you even scared of losing me? Am I always in your mind?
Bry, do you really love me? Do you really want it to be me in your future?

Bry, I miss you. I love you. I really do.

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Is It Even Real?

So finally I meet you again after these past two months of me spending time with another guy whom I thought would last longer. The first time you came into my life I knew that my heart would always choose you over him even though I knew that it was supposed to be him who was my priority. It was such a sadness when I had to cut you out. It was a regret when I had to make you get you out of my life. Until the time I separated with him, and my mind wondered where you were. I always waited for the time you would greet me again in a chat room. But you weren't there. You weren't anywhere. I couldn't find you and I decided to just lived my life as usual.

And suddenly you were there. You were there right in front of my eyes. I kept thinking of how starting a conversation with you. The only thing that came up in my head was telling you "I broke up". And this is how it all started.

I don't know whether I'm stupid but I let you into my life again with free access. You greeted me again, we chatted and talked for hours. And I found my comfort zone in you. Is it wrong? I keep asking my self. I know that I have to let go of you but my heart doesn't want to.

You told me you'd been interested in me even before I met him. You told me you'd been paying attention to me silently without I realized it. You told me I didn't even notice you while you were there right in front of me. And you really meant it when you greeted me first that evening on social media. I keep asking myself "is it all just a lie?". My brain tells me not to easily believe it, but my heart doesn't said so. I just believe in all that stories in just even a second.

Now I feel it again. The feeling of me wanting someone to come and stay in my life. The feeling of me who is afraid if I have to lose you. The feeling of me thinking that you just a liar and the same like those jerks out there and eventually makes my self collapse. The feeling of me who always miss you and wish you were here right by my side. But who am I asking these kind of things while you are not even mine? Who am I asking these when I know that the future is impossible to be ours?

You said let's just enjoy it and see what the future will be. But I'm afraid. I really am. I'm afraid the more time I spend with you, the more I feel comfortable with you. The more I feel comfortable with you, the more I find my comfort in you. The more comfort I find in you, the more I feel that I want you. The more I feel that I want you, the more I'm afraid to lose you. Don't you know that? Don't you see that?

You give me what I want, you are being the guy that I want. But why are we so different? It's difficult and it will be more difficult in the future. I'm afraid of the future and I'm afraid of losing you. Do you even think about it? Do you even think about me?

I want you. I want more of you.

But, my mind is back to that question: "is it even real?"

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It Is Still Here

Howdy, how are you going there? it's been years, yes years that we don't talk. You doing good? I miss talking with you all night long. Yep, I miss you. It's been years since the last time we had everything. I thought I've moved on from you. But i was wrong. it's still here. you are still here. do you know that?

I thought I've been fine with these memories, but I'm still not. I miss those moments with you. the night when we hanging out, driving around this city, sharing every story and jokes. I thought they have just been memories in the past. But until now I still want to go back. do you know that?

After my last break up, I realized that you are still irreplaceable. No one can touch me the way you did. even he can't replace you, at all. it still goes to you. do you know that?

that songs that remind me with you, with us, with our moments. how I want to feel it one more time. if I had a chance, i would have definitely taken it.

do I regret it? the answer is no. I don't regret anything about us. I always know that it is wrong. everything is wrong. but why do I still hope that it is you?

I've been wondering when will I meet him? the one that finally take my heart away from you. who will he be?

now I wonder, what do you think about me now? do I mean something to you? have I ever crossed your mind even once? am I the only one here who still can't get over us?

I miss you.

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