Insecurities

How does it feel to be beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing, talented? How does it feel to be praised and complimented by lots of people? How does it feel to be easily liked by everyone?

I look at those girls around me. This one, she is pretty, outgoing and has a lot of friends. That one is cute, photogenic, liked by many people. Another is, she is smart and talented. The other one is pretty, smart, has lots of experience, and inspiring. While my close friend, she has a sweet voice, pretty, and easy going. But look at me. What do I have? I'm not pretty (this word doesn't even describe me at all), I'm not smart, I don't have any talents, don't have a lot of friends, I'm awkward, somehow annoying and even toxic, boring, and seems there is no something special about me. I'm clueless of who I am, what strengths do I have? I only can see my weaknesses. I have nothing to be proud of. I feel so ashamed of myself. I have no achievements in any fields. I have nothing. Literally nothing.

Yep, I'm at the top of my insecurity right now.

Insecurity does kill me slowly. Until the point where I can't find my own worth.

I asked for help from my friends. They said many good side about me. They said I'm pretty, they said I'm smart, they said I'm kind, they said they don't even see my lack. Was it real? Was it all a lie? Did they really mean it? Did they say it all just to comfort me? Because I don't feel that way.
Pretty? No, I'm not. I'm far away from the so called pretty girl. Smart? I'm not. There were times when I was being so clueless about certain topics, certain conversations, and I was being super dumb. Kind? Define kind.

And you, my boyfriend. Are you sure I'm the one that you are looking for? Are you sure that you want to have the future with me? Are you sure that you are not ashamed of me? Your exes, they are beautiful and attractive. Even, there are many girls outside who are trying to get your attention. They are even prettier, smarter, and much better than me. Are you sure that you want to be with me?
I'm scared if finally you see me the way I see my self. I'm scared if eventually I'm not like what you are expected me to be. I'm scared if you lose interest in me. I'm scared. I really am.

I am sorry for being like this.

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About Us

I never imagined this would happen to me. Falling in love with a boy younger than me. 4 years younger than me. Never, even once crossed in my mind that I would fall in love with someone like him. Now it's happening. For finally I'm falling in love, really fall into someone. That feeling when I do care about someone else, that feeling of being so scared of losing him, that feeling when I really want it to be him at the end. But why it becomes so scary? I'm scared, really scared. Why should it be him? Why it can't be someone older or at least the same age as me? Why should it be you Bry?

Do you know that I'm really scared of us? You who succeed to make me believe in you for finally putting my heart in your hands, you who succeed to make me head over heels toward someone, and you who succeed make me falling in love really deep.

But here I'm sitting alone, feeling this thoughts of me being scared about you, about us. I'm scared Bry. I'm scared that your feeling is not true or it's just temporary. All those sweet things and dreams you told me makes me even more scared if it all is just a lie. I'm scared if finally you lose your feelings. I'm scared if it is only me who fall, I'm scared if it is only me who fight for us.I'm scared Bry, I really am. Do you know that?

And we have been different these past few days. Our chatting isn't as intense as it used to be. No more good mornings or good nights. Are you bored of me? Are you tired of me? Are you questioning yourself about your decision about us now? Are we still okay?

Bry, I'm scared. This tears keep trying to fall down every time I think about you, about us. Is it real? Do we really have the future?

Bry, do I really mean something to you? Are you even scared of losing me? Am I always in your mind?
Bry, do you really love me? Do you really want it to be me in your future?

Bry, I miss you. I love you. I really do.

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Is It Even Real?

So finally I meet you again after these past two months of me spending time with another guy whom I thought would last longer. The first time you came into my life I knew that my heart would always choose you over him even though I knew that it was supposed to be him who was my priority. It was such a sadness when I had to cut you out. It was a regret when I had to make you get you out of my life. Until the time I separated with him, and my mind wondered where you were. I always waited for the time you would greet me again in a chat room. But you weren't there. You weren't anywhere. I couldn't find you and I decided to just lived my life as usual.

And suddenly you were there. You were there right in front of my eyes. I kept thinking of how starting a conversation with you. The only thing that came up in my head was telling you "I broke up". And this is how it all started.

I don't know whether I'm stupid but I let you into my life again with free access. You greeted me again, we chatted and talked for hours. And I found my comfort zone in you. Is it wrong? I keep asking my self. I know that I have to let go of you but my heart doesn't want to.

You told me you'd been interested in me even before I met him. You told me you'd been paying attention to me silently without I realized it. You told me I didn't even notice you while you were there right in front of me. And you really meant it when you greeted me first that evening on social media. I keep asking myself "is it all just a lie?". My brain tells me not to easily believe it, but my heart doesn't said so. I just believe in all that stories in just even a second.

Now I feel it again. The feeling of me wanting someone to come and stay in my life. The feeling of me who is afraid if I have to lose you. The feeling of me thinking that you just a liar and the same like those jerks out there and eventually makes my self collapse. The feeling of me who always miss you and wish you were here right by my side. But who am I asking these kind of things while you are not even mine? Who am I asking these when I know that the future is impossible to be ours?

You said let's just enjoy it and see what the future will be. But I'm afraid. I really am. I'm afraid the more time I spend with you, the more I feel comfortable with you. The more I feel comfortable with you, the more I find my comfort in you. The more comfort I find in you, the more I feel that I want you. The more I feel that I want you, the more I'm afraid to lose you. Don't you know that? Don't you see that?

You give me what I want, you are being the guy that I want. But why are we so different? It's difficult and it will be more difficult in the future. I'm afraid of the future and I'm afraid of losing you. Do you even think about it? Do you even think about me?

I want you. I want more of you.

But, my mind is back to that question: "is it even real?"

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It Is Still Here

Howdy, how are you going there? it's been years, yes years that we don't talk. You doing good? I miss talking with you all night long. Yep, I miss you. It's been years since the last time we had everything. I thought I've moved on from you. But i was wrong. it's still here. you are still here. do you know that?

I thought I've been fine with these memories, but I'm still not. I miss those moments with you. the night when we hanging out, driving around this city, sharing every story and jokes. I thought they have just been memories in the past. But until now I still want to go back. do you know that?

After my last break up, I realized that you are still irreplaceable. No one can touch me the way you did. even he can't replace you, at all. it still goes to you. do you know that?

that songs that remind me with you, with us, with our moments. how I want to feel it one more time. if I had a chance, i would have definitely taken it.

do I regret it? the answer is no. I don't regret anything about us. I always know that it is wrong. everything is wrong. but why do I still hope that it is you?

I've been wondering when will I meet him? the one that finally take my heart away from you. who will he be?

now I wonder, what do you think about me now? do I mean something to you? have I ever crossed your mind even once? am I the only one here who still can't get over us?

I miss you.

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What will I be?

Future.
one word but makes me feel excited yet scared. i feel that i can't wait to face what's coming next to me, yet i feel that i'm not ready to deal with any hardships. i always imagine about the goods; what will i be, what will i get, and what will i have. but reality sucks, doesn't it? what really happens is always the opposite of what is in your mind.

i have been frighten with every bad things. i'm afraid that i will "lose". i'm afraid if what i've done and been doing so far mean nothing. i'm afraid that i will make my parents disappointed. i'm afraid if i fail.

life is a challenge. life is hard. having your life together means you have to give big effort. you want something to be perfect then work for it.

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what is your biggest fear?

what is your biggest fear?
apa ketakutan terbesarmu?

ragu. takut. nggak percaya diri. itu yang lagi aku rasain sekarang. kalau denger kata 'masa depan', aku ngerasa both excited and scared. di satu sisi ngerasa nggak sabar buat ngerasain hidup dimana semua impian, harapan sama cita-cita terwujud. nggak sabar buat bikin mama sama ayah bangga. nggak sabar buat ngelepasin beban-beban yang mama rasain. tapi di sisi lain aku ngerasa takut. takut banget. takut banget kalau semua ini cuma harapan kosong. takut banget kalau apa yang aku lakuin sekarang semuanya bakal sia-sia.
i've been doing the best i can do. mmm... no, not really. apa yang aku lakuin sekarang masih kurang. apa yang bisa aku lakuin sekarang? cuma belajar. naikin ipk biar nanti lulus dengan nilai terbaik. but then, tiba-tiba aku keinget tentang kejadian dimana banyak orang kuliah, dan waktu mereka lulus mereka nggak langsung dapet kerjaan. mereka jadi pengangguran dan berjuang sana-sini buat dapet pekerjaan yang layak. sering banget aku bayangin kalau aku ada di posisi mereka. aku takut. gimana kalau semua yang uda aku rencanain cuma rencana kosong? gimana kalau aku nggak langsung buat mama lepas dari masalah keuangan ini? aku takut.
aku bisa bilang ke orang-orang apa impianku, pekerjaan kaya gimana yang aku pengen. but deep down, i still don't know yet. aku bahkan nggak punya bayangan soal masa depanku. sekarang aku cuma following the flow and whatever happen just happens. cuma bisa do and give the best.

aku takut kalau bayangin kemungkinan terburuk di masa depan. cuma ketakutan yang aku rasain sekarang. and i have no one to talk to about it. i even can't tell my mom how afraid i am right now. i just don't want to burden her more. all i can do? keep it to myself.

dear future me, i'm really scared. i am.

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A Letter to Me

Dear future me,
Hi there! How the things are going? Are you healthy? Do you eat and drink properly? Are you happy most of the time? Do you smile and laugh a lot?
Things have been so tiring and challenging lately. Today is approaching the end of the 5th semester, and there are a lot of things I need to get done; final paper, micro teaching, and another final projects. But guess what, I'm not that stress, yeah I am stress, but not that stress, you know what I mean? I don't know how can it be, but I know that the old you is trying to make everything goes well so you will not be frustrated. that's good tho. I hope you will be doing the same when you are going through hard times.

I'm wondering how your life is going on. Is everything good? How hard is the future? How many times you cried alone in the night?
Perhaps, now every single thing in front of you seems so difficult. It seems like your life is trying to beat you up.
Maybe, now you're feeling so lonely, like nobody cares about you, like no one is willing to listen and help you.
Maybe, now you're feeling so empty. you're so overwhelming with many things.
But read it slowly and clearly. Write it down on your mind and memorize.
How tough your life can be, you don't have to go through it alone. you have those people around you, and know that they do care about you. you have your mom, you have your someone special, you have your best friends. just take your phone and phone them. trust me, you can tell them everything that fills up your mind. just tell them. do not be so dramatic by thinking that you are all alone.
Oh, and I want to tell you that it's okay to cry. crying makes you feel better. you can cry as much as you want. but promise, after you get done, you have to stand up and make a change. do your next step. do not let your overthinking, you anxiety, your disappointment take over you. do not let your emotion control you. you are the king here, you must control them.

or maybe now you are going through your life full of happiness. that's good! keep it up girl! do not let any negative things ruin it.

I wanna tell you something. it's your life, it's your world, you are the one who is responsible with your life. whether it's going to be fun or miserable, it's in your hand.
there will be some days when you're feeling really down, and there is no one that can take you up except you. do not spoil your self. get back up and face it. do not run and hide. do not underestimate yourself. I know you are much stronger than this. I know you can.
do not forget to be happy. do the things that make you happy. YOLO. remember that. live your life to the fullest. your life is too short to think about those negative things and people. keep the ones and everything that make you feel happy, satisfied, and grateful for being you. push away everything that make you feel bad and miserable. they are not worth to be a part of your life. you must love your self.
spread love and positive feelings whenever and wherever.

and here is the most important thing. do not ever leave Jesus. He is the only one you need in your life. you are nothing without Him. if this time you feel that you are far away from Him, get back now! come back to Him right at this moment, at this time. go back to Him. tell everything to Him, share your feeling, you can cry in front of Him if you want. He is there. He is with you. He is standing by your side. just make a time and pray. I'm sure, He's gladly accept you, and He's happy when His lost daughter has come home. He has been waiting for you. do not doubt Him.

last but not least, the old you will always pray for the best for you. here, I'm trying to do the things that will make you proud to have been the old you.
I believe now you are much stronger, maturer, happier, and prettier than the old you.
do not forget for always being grateful. Jesus blesses you.

Sincerely,
The old you

P.s: I hope this letter can make your day. I love you.

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