What will I be?

Future.
one word but makes me feel excited yet scared. i feel that i can't wait to face what's coming next to me, yet i feel that i'm not ready to deal with any hardships. i always imagine about the goods; what will i be, what will i get, and what will i have. but reality sucks, doesn't it? what really happens is always the opposite of what is in your mind.

i have been frighten with every bad things. i'm afraid that i will "lose". i'm afraid if what i've done and been doing so far mean nothing. i'm afraid that i will make my parents disappointed. i'm afraid if i fail.

life is a challenge. life is hard. having your life together means you have to give big effort. you want something to be perfect then work for it.

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what is your biggest fear?

what is your biggest fear?
apa ketakutan terbesarmu?

ragu. takut. nggak percaya diri. itu yang lagi aku rasain sekarang. kalau denger kata 'masa depan', aku ngerasa both excited and scared. di satu sisi ngerasa nggak sabar buat ngerasain hidup dimana semua impian, harapan sama cita-cita terwujud. nggak sabar buat bikin mama sama ayah bangga. nggak sabar buat ngelepasin beban-beban yang mama rasain. tapi di sisi lain aku ngerasa takut. takut banget. takut banget kalau semua ini cuma harapan kosong. takut banget kalau apa yang aku lakuin sekarang semuanya bakal sia-sia.
i've been doing the best i can do. mmm... no, not really. apa yang aku lakuin sekarang masih kurang. apa yang bisa aku lakuin sekarang? cuma belajar. naikin ipk biar nanti lulus dengan nilai terbaik. but then, tiba-tiba aku keinget tentang kejadian dimana banyak orang kuliah, dan waktu mereka lulus mereka nggak langsung dapet kerjaan. mereka jadi pengangguran dan berjuang sana-sini buat dapet pekerjaan yang layak. sering banget aku bayangin kalau aku ada di posisi mereka. aku takut. gimana kalau semua yang uda aku rencanain cuma rencana kosong? gimana kalau aku nggak langsung buat mama lepas dari masalah keuangan ini? aku takut.
aku bisa bilang ke orang-orang apa impianku, pekerjaan kaya gimana yang aku pengen. but deep down, i still don't know yet. aku bahkan nggak punya bayangan soal masa depanku. sekarang aku cuma following the flow and whatever happen just happens. cuma bisa do and give the best.

aku takut kalau bayangin kemungkinan terburuk di masa depan. cuma ketakutan yang aku rasain sekarang. and i have no one to talk to about it. i even can't tell my mom how afraid i am right now. i just don't want to burden her more. all i can do? keep it to myself.

dear future me, i'm really scared. i am.

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A Letter to Me

Dear future me,
Hi there! How the things are going? Are you healthy? Do you eat and drink properly? Are you happy most of the time? Do you smile and laugh a lot?
Things have been so tiring and challenging lately. Today is approaching the end of the 5th semester, and there are a lot of things I need to get done; final paper, micro teaching, and another final projects. But guess what, I'm not that stress, yeah I am stress, but not that stress, you know what I mean? I don't know how can it be, but I know that the old you is trying to make everything goes well so you will not be frustrated. that's good tho. I hope you will be doing the same when you are going through hard times.

I'm wondering how your life is going on. Is everything good? How hard is the future? How many times you cried alone in the night?
Perhaps, now every single thing in front of you seems so difficult. It seems like your life is trying to beat you up.
Maybe, now you're feeling so lonely, like nobody cares about you, like no one is willing to listen and help you.
Maybe, now you're feeling so empty. you're so overwhelming with many things.
But read it slowly and clearly. Write it down on your mind and memorize.
How tough your life can be, you don't have to go through it alone. you have those people around you, and know that they do care about you. you have your mom, you have your someone special, you have your best friends. just take your phone and phone them. trust me, you can tell them everything that fills up your mind. just tell them. do not be so dramatic by thinking that you are all alone.
Oh, and I want to tell you that it's okay to cry. crying makes you feel better. you can cry as much as you want. but promise, after you get done, you have to stand up and make a change. do your next step. do not let your overthinking, you anxiety, your disappointment take over you. do not let your emotion control you. you are the king here, you must control them.

or maybe now you are going through your life full of happiness. that's good! keep it up girl! do not let any negative things ruin it.

I wanna tell you something. it's your life, it's your world, you are the one who is responsible with your life. whether it's going to be fun or miserable, it's in your hand.
there will be some days when you're feeling really down, and there is no one that can take you up except you. do not spoil your self. get back up and face it. do not run and hide. do not underestimate yourself. I know you are much stronger than this. I know you can.
do not forget to be happy. do the things that make you happy. YOLO. remember that. live your life to the fullest. your life is too short to think about those negative things and people. keep the ones and everything that make you feel happy, satisfied, and grateful for being you. push away everything that make you feel bad and miserable. they are not worth to be a part of your life. you must love your self.
spread love and positive feelings whenever and wherever.

and here is the most important thing. do not ever leave Jesus. He is the only one you need in your life. you are nothing without Him. if this time you feel that you are far away from Him, get back now! come back to Him right at this moment, at this time. go back to Him. tell everything to Him, share your feeling, you can cry in front of Him if you want. He is there. He is with you. He is standing by your side. just make a time and pray. I'm sure, He's gladly accept you, and He's happy when His lost daughter has come home. He has been waiting for you. do not doubt Him.

last but not least, the old you will always pray for the best for you. here, I'm trying to do the things that will make you proud to have been the old you.
I believe now you are much stronger, maturer, happier, and prettier than the old you.
do not forget for always being grateful. Jesus blesses you.

Sincerely,
The old you

P.s: I hope this letter can make your day. I love you.

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Babble

I've been wondering how it feels to be loved by the right one. is it so much happiness? is it the feeling you haven't felt before?
I've never been in a "real" relationship. well, I've been in a relationship once, but I can't say I was in a relationship because I didn't feel I was having a boyfriend. let's say it was just a status, because there weren't any special things that couples usually do. so, yeah, honestly I don't consider him as my ex.
but I've been in a situation where I was really close with someone. We have done those relationship stuff, but we weren't in a relationship.
it's weird, i know.
and now, I really wish for the real one. I've been wishing for it. a real relationship where I can be with someone I love and who loves me back. the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he wants me too. the one who makes me fall in love deeper and deeper day by day. the one who can handle me. the one who will never give up on me.
I still remember on my last birthday I prayed to Jesus to give him to me before I turn 21 this November. I really hope I can spend my birthday this year with him, and I will celebrate Christmas with him too. and after that I will go through my days with him. How I wish it can come true.
you might be think I'm a girl who desperately want to be in love and to be loved. yes, indeed. I admit it. but it's normal, isn't it?
but until now it seems like there is no any sign. I can't even imagine who he is and how he will be like. I know that Jesus has His own time, and I believe He will never be late. but I can't deny that I want it to be happen in the near future. don't get me wrong, I just don't want to lie. this is what has been in my mind.
however I don't want to rush anything. I want to enjoy this waiting days while I'm preparing and fixing my self to be the better me, so when that time has come I've been ready to be with him. honestly, I'm not patient, but there's nothing I can do except waiting until God is ready to meet me with him.
for now, I only can pray that God will give me the best one. I believe He knows what's and who's the best for me and He understands what I really need.
keep on praying, Me, keep on praying.

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Waiting (3)

Setelah cowok ini, aku nggak deket sama siapa-siapa lagi. jujur, dia orang pertama yang ngajarin aku soal move on wkwk. kalau ketemu dia aku masih kaya gimana gitu rasanya. sekarang uda enggak sih, uda biasa, walau masih kaya agak awkward gitu. apalagi semenjak tau kejelekannya dia, yang ternyata parah, jahat, dan aku nggak tau itu waktu aku deket sama dia, aku semakin bisa buat move on wkwk.
habis itu hati aku lagi kosong. aku lagi nggak suka sama siapa-siapa, dan nggak ada yang deket juga. dan tiba hari dimana aku tau ada satu anak cowok, dia satu angkatan, satu fakultas tapi beda progdi (dulu fakultas kami beda, tapi mulai tahun ini digabung). dia ini aku liat-liat anaknya diem, nggak aneh-aneh. nggak ganteng sih, nggak jelek juga, ya standardlah, biasa. tapi anaknya kaya baik gitu. habis itu, setelah waktu berjalan, aku jadi tau dari temenku, kalau dia itu anaknya rohani banget. dia itu tipikal cowok yang nggak mau sembarangan pacaran, dia mau pacaran yang didasari oleh kasih. untuk pertama kalinya aku tau ada cowok yang punya pemikiran kaya gitu. bahkan hal kaya gitu sama sekali nggak pernah ada dipikiranku. and I was like, wow. dia juga dewasa, baik banget, parah. setiap aku ada usda terus aku nawarin dia pasti dibeli. nggak pelit, and he is such a gentleman, pengertian gitu. dan baru-baru ini aku tau kalau dia belum mau pacaran karena dia masih pakai uang orang tua.
like, he's different and he seems like the one i've been looking for wkwk seiman, deket sama Tuhan, rohani, baik, pengertian, and such a gentleman. dan dia juga keliatan setia.
jujur, aku ada ketertarikan sama dia. tapi sayangnya, kita nggak deket. ketemu juga paling cuma saling sapa, nggak pernah ngomong-ngomong. pengen rasanya deket. tapi aku malu wkwk. aku juga nggak berani buat deketin duluan :')
tapi aku mutusin buat biar mengalir aja. kalau emang Tuhan ngijinin aku deket sama dia, pasti bakal deket. kalau enggak, ya berarti ada yang lain kan. simple.

tapi ini nggak sesimple itu. jujur aku pengen punya pacar. yang kaya cowok ini. dia beda. tapi aku malu buat deketin duluan.
sering aku tanya ke Tuhan, kenapa sampai sekarang aku belum punya pacar dan nggak ada yang deketin aku. aku tau Tuhan punya waktuNya sendiri, dan aku percaya Dia tau yang terbaik buat aku. tapi rasanya kaya nggak sabar buat ketemu dia yang tepat. i want to love and to be loved by someone special.
kadang aku juga minta ke Tuhan buat deketin aku sama cowok satu ini. tapi aku rasa impossible. jujur aku minder, aku cenderung ngerendahin diri sendiri, dan aku ngerasa nggak pantes buat cowok sebaik dia wkwk

and now i'm in a phase where i have to wait for the best one. aku tau dalam proses menunggu ini aku harus merubah diriku. belajar nerima diri sendiri, belajar buat nggak memandang rendah diri sendiri, mulai ngerawat diri, buang sifat yang jelek, nggak ngomong kasar, dan yang terpenting bangun relasi sama Tuhan, deketin diri sama Tuhan lagi. tapi ini semua nggak segampang kita ngomong. ini perlu proses. apalagi yang soal deketin diri sama Tuhan.
rasanya malu sama Tuhan. berulang kali aku minta ampun dan janji mau deketin diri sama Tuhan, tapi besoknya aku ngelakuin dosa yang sama dan jauh dari Tuhan lagi. terus-terusan kaya gitu. aku malu dan ngerasa nggak pantes buat doa, buat ngobrol sama Tuhan. aku nggak mau aku uda bilang minta maaf tapi ngulangin kesalahan yang sama lagi. aku terlalu takut buat ketemu sama Tuhan.
tapi aku pengen balik ke Tuhan. pengen banget. Tapi aku harus mantapin diri dulu buat bener bener bisa berubah dan nggak ngecewain Tuhan. dan aku sadar, kalau aku perlu Tuhan soal ini.

yey selesai! jadi ini kisah cintaku wkwk alay.
lega rasanya bisa buat ini jadi tulisan. bebannya jadi kaya berkurang wkwk

P.s:
a letter to future me:
Dear future me,
one day, you will read it. maybe you will feel ashamed and you will laugh a lot, but it's your story to remind you about those days you'd been through while you were in the process to meet your best one. and I pray, when you're reading it, your life has changed, and you've been with someone you've been looking and waiting for. and especially, your relationship with God is getting better and better. Amen.

sincerely,
the old you

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Waiting (2)

setelah si cowok brengsek itu, nggak ada lagi yang deket sama aku. aku sadar, i'm not psychically beauty. aku cuma cewek gendut, yang nggak bisa ngurus diri, dan aku juga nggak cantik. sedangkan diluar sana banyak banget cewek yang jauh lebih cantik dan lebih hits. dan juga temenku nggak banyak waktu itu. aku cuma kenal sama orang-orang yang pernah sekelas sama aku. bahkan ada banyak anak yang aku cuma tau namanya tapi nggak tau yang mana, ada juga yang aku baru tau kalau dia itu satu sekolah sama aku waktu aku lulus. aku juga bukan anak yang aktif, aku cuma aktif di kegiatan kerohanian. temen-temen deketku juga bukan anak hits atau anak yang suka main. mereka cuma anak rumahan biasa, tapi aku bersyukur aku kenal mereka, karena mereka aku bisa deket sama Tuhan, aku bisa jalan di jalan yang benar, mereka terbaik pokoknya.
sampe akhirnya aku masuk kuliah. jujur aku mikir di kuliah ini bakal ada cowok yang deketin aku. tapi ternyata enggak :') hahah bisa dibilang semenjak aku deket sama cowok yang dulu kakak kelasku waktu SD itu, uda nggak ada yang deketin aku sama sekali.
aku nggak tau apa yang salah di diriku. aku akuin, aku memang bukan anak hits, yang gaul, yang bisa main terus. justru sebaliknya, aku cuma tipikal anak rumahan, yang temennya banyak karena kenal di sekolah sama gereja. bukan anak yang punya banyak temen karena kenalan waktu main atau dikenalin sama temen. setelah akhirnya aku ngerti kenapa aku nggak ada yang deketin. pertama, dari segi fisik, aku memang kurang ngerawat diri, yang masalah ini aku lagi dalam proses ngatasinnya. masalah selanjutnya, lingkaran pertemananku kurang luas. sebenernya aku baru sadar waktu temenku yang kasih tau soal ini wkwk. nah yang ini aku bingung harus gimana wkwk memang sih temenku hitungannya sedikit, aku kurang main. tapi tu aku bukan tipikal anak yang kaya gitu. aku nyaman sama diriku yang kaya gini, sama diriku yang bukan anak main heheh
jujur sih, aku iri sama mereka yang uda punya pacar, sama mereka yang sering dideketin cowok-cowok. jujur, aku iri banget. ada saat dimana aku pengen punya pacar. tapi seakan Tuhan belum ngijinin aku buat punya pacar haha.
dan akhirnya, di akhir tahun pertama perkuliahanku, aku deket sama satu cowok. pertamanya aku sama dia cuma chatting aja. terus aku cerita sama temenku soal ini, dan mereka bilang kalau si cowok ini lagi deketin aku. pertamanya aku nggak percaya. nggak maulah kepedean sama kegeeran. nanti kecewa kalau kenyataannya nggak kaya gitu wkwk well, dia yang aku kenal dulu itu dewasa, perhatian, curhat sama dia itu enak, tapi sayangnya dia itu uda punya pacar tapi LDRsn dan beda agama. wow, aku terjebak wkwk. aku dulu pernah bilang nggak mau deket sama cowok yang beda agama dan yang uda punya pacar. dan aku kemakan omonganku sendiri. waktu aku sadar aku mulai suka sama dia, aku juga mulai nahan diri buat perasaan itu muncul lebih lagi. tapi gagal. aku sama dia uda deket banget. kalau kalian baca beberapa post aku sebelum ini yang galau-galau itu, nah itu tentang dia. bener-bener baru dia yang buat aku ngerasain pacaran yang beneran pacaran, padahal kita nggak pacaran. dia orang pertama yang buat aku bisa sayang sama seorang cowok, yang bisa buat aku nerima dia apa adanya termasuk perbedaan agama. aku akui aku bodoh. dia beda agama dan uda punya pacar. tapi aku nggak bisa nahan diri. sampe akhirnya aku jadi cewek yang bosenin, aku buat dia bingung, dan akhirnya dia gerah sama aku. karena bantuan salah satu temenku, aku jadi tau kalau dia uda nggak nganggep aku penting dan cuma dateng pas dia butuh. sumpah nyesek. bahkan lebih nyesek dari pengalaman waktu aku deket sama si cowok brengsek itu. habis itu aku pelan-pelan ngejauh, dan aku sadar aku uda salah besar deket sama dia.
tapi bersyukur, dari dia aku dapet pelajaran paling berharga. Tuhan uda ngajarin aku hal penting. Tuhan lagi ngedewasain aku lewat peristiwa itu. Tanpa dia aku nggak akan jadi aku yang sekarang.

-tbc-

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Waiting (1)

kalau aku ingat-ingat perjalanan cintaku, banyak banget pelajaran menarik disana.
aku inget banget, tapi aku lupa kelas berapa wkwk pokoknya masih SD antara kelas tiga atau 4, aku pertama kalinya ditembak sama temen gerejaku. ya dia kaya dengan terang-terangan bilang kalau dia suka sama aku di depan banyak orang. dan karena aku malu dan orang itu emang malu-maluin (wkwkwk) jadi aku nggak mau hahah. lagipula aku juga mikir kalau belum saatnya aku buat main pacar-pacaran wkwk. terus berlanjut aku deket sama cowok lain, temen gerejaku juga. ini kejadian waktu aku masih SD juga. jadi aku sama dia ya emang temenan deket, aku juga nyaman temenan sama dia. nggak ada pikiran sama sekali buat pacaran sama dia, masih kecil, nggak mau pacar-pacaran wkwk sampai akhirnya tiba hari dimana dia bilang suka sama aku dan disitu aku bingung harus response gmn. aku lupa aku ngomong apa, pokoknya habis itu aku pergi ninggalin dia karena aku risih wkwk habis itu aku jaga jarak sama dia.
habis itu lanjut, masih SD juga, tiba-tiba aku di sms sama seseorang dan ternyata itu temen gerejaku juga. dia terus-terusan sms aku, setiap hari sms aku. disitu aku risih banget, sampe aku nangis-nangis cerita sama mamaku. aku bener-bener risih. di gereja aja kalau ada dia, aku bener-bener ngehindar wkwk akhirnya mamaku ngomong ke mamanya dia, minta tolong buat mamanya ini bilangin anaknya buat nggak gangguin aku. dan nggak mempan, dia tetep smsin aku terus. aku nggak tahan kan, risih banget, akhirnya hari minggu itu aku ketemu mamanya dia, dan aku bilang ke si tante buat nyuruh dia berhenti sms aku, dan berhasil, yey! tapi rasa risihku tetep ada, jadi aku tetep jaga jarak sama dia wkwk.
moving on, waktu itu kelas berapa lupa, kelas enam kalau nggak salah. jadi ada temen gerejaku lagi. aku memang kenal dia, secara uda kenal kan karena sekolah minggu. pertamanya kami temenan ya biasa, nggak deket deket banget. tiba-tiba dia minta nomer hpku, dan aku kasih dong. habis itu kita smsan. lama-lama aku risih sama dia, apalagi waktu dia kode-kode. yakin aku risih banget. akhirnya dia aku kerjain, aku minta dia beliin aku pulsa dan dibeliin lima ribu. habis itu aku cuekin dia. aku jahat. aku tau. dan aku menyesalinya. aku risih kan sama dia, dan berakhir aku jauhin dia. sampe sekarang aku belum ketemu dia dan kami nggak pernah kontak-kontakan lagi. yakin, aku pengen minta maaf dan ganti pulsa yang uda dia beliin.
terus berlanjut waktu aku awal masuk SMP. aku kenalan sama satu anak, dia cewek, dan dia dulu satu sekolah sama temen-temen gerejaku. aku tanya kan, "kamu kenal (nyebutin nama temen-temen gerejaku satu persatu). terus kan kita cerita cerita, sampe akhirnya dia cerita kalau salah satu temen gerejaku ada yang suka sama aku, dan anak ini cerita ke temen-temennya. aku emang deket sama anak ini. deket banget, uda sahabatan gitu ceritanya, akhirnya aku agak risih kan, dan aku agak jaga jarak wkwk tapi nggak berlangsung lama karena dia nggak pernah ngungkapin kalau dia suka sama aku. jadi it's okay, dan sampe sekarang aku sama dia masih deket, masih saling curhat-curhatan walaupun jarang banget wkwk
dan akhirnya di SMP ini aku mulai suka sama cowok, dan dia ini adek kelas wkwk. dia anaknya kurus, tinggi, manis gitu hahah seiman juga dan anaknya rohani, dan segereja juga wkwk. tapi ya cuma suka-suka ala anak kecil. cinta monyet wkwk. tapi dia yang pertama buat aku ngerasain yang namanya kasmaran wkwk. sayangnya aku sama dia sama sekali nggak deket. pertama dia uda punya pacar dan itu beda agama, yang kedua karena aku nggak berani deketin langsung. yauda, nggak ada harapan. kalau ketemu dia bawaannya seneng, deg-degan hahah lucu banget kalau diinget-inget wkwk
skip ke masa SMA. orang bilang masa SMA masa-masa paling indah. masa-masa dimana kamu bakal ngerasain asiknya masa remaja. dan di masa ini, pertama kalinya aku punya pacar. dia itu kakak kelasku, uda kenal dari SMP. mulai deket semenjak retreat pertamaku di SMA. karena kejadian aku meluk dia habis ibadah, terus dia mulai deketin aku. dia add aku di fb dan dia bilang dia nggak punya hp. jujur, he is not handsome, he has a dark skin, and he is short. aku waktu deket sama dia sama sekali nggak mandang fisik. yang aku tau dia deket sama Tuhan. dan yauda aku terima aja waktu dia nembak aku wkwk dan disini lucunya, beberapa jam setelah aku terima dia, aku nyesel dan aku ngerasa risih sama dia :') bahkan tiba-tiba rasaku ke dia hilang :') 3 hari setelah jadian aku kaya cari masalah gitu biar putus, tapi kami nggak putus. setiap minggu pasti ada saat dimana aku cerita sama temen-temenku kalau aku mau putus dari dia, tapi mereka ngelarang aku. mereka bilang pertahanin dulu, dan aku nurut. tapi akhirnya setelah 3 bulan sekian hari pacaran aku putusin dia, dan dia setuju. akhirnya aku jomblo lagi wkwk. sebenernya selama 3 bulan itu aku punya pacar tapi ngerasa kaya nggak punya pacar, jadi cuma status doang. aku sama dia nggak pernah yang namanya jalan bareng, pulang bareng, makan bareng, pokoknya nggak ada quality time berdua dan dia sama sekali nggak perhatian. terus juga, pas aku pacaran sama dia itu ngelewatin hari ulang tahunku, dan dia nggak tau kalau aku ulang tahun hmm. dia nggak akan tau kalau temennya nggak kasih tau. dan alibinya dia, dia pura-pura lupa hmm. wkwk. pada akhirnya aku tau yang sebenernya. dan yang terburuknya, dia nggak kaya yang ekspektasiin. dia nggak bisa aku ajak curhat, nggak bisa bantu aku hadapin masalahku, terus dia juga nggak bisa aku ajak buat deket sama Tuhan bareng. kecewa banget sih wkwk makanya aku nggak ngerasa kalau aku pernah pacaran sama dia, kaya cuma status wkwk kayanya itu juga kenapa rasa sukaku sama dia hilang padahal belum ada 3 hari pacaran wkwk
berlanjut waktu aku kelas XI. tiba-tiba si mantan aku ini sms aku, dia bilang ada orang minta nomerku, aku tanya siapa dan ternyata dia kakak kelasku waktu SD, dan aku bilang kasih aja. nah, disitu berawal aku deket sama cowok baru ini. ya kita sms-an, perhatian gitu, dewasa, pernah jalan bareng juga. justru sama dia aku ngerasa kaya aku punya pacar. tapi gara-gara dia aku ngerasain jadi cewek bodoh karena cinta wkwk keliatan banget aku ngejar-ngejar dia. setelah sekian lama deket, ternyata dia suka sama kakak kelasku, dan aku tanya dia ngaku. dan disitu aku ngerasa kaya nyesel banget, malu banget uda jadi cewek yang mau dibodohin sama cowok brengsek. inget banget dia pernah bilang dia nggak mau jauh dari aku waktu aku pelan-pelan ngejauh dari dia. hmm. okay, sakit hati yang pertama. habis aku tau jeleknya dia aku nggak pernah kontakan lagi sama dia. sama sekali nggak pernah, bahkan sampai sekarang. dan aku emang nggak mau kontak sama dia lagi wkwk.


-tbc-

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Emptyness

Have you ever felt that you are the most unwanted person in the world? the most useless person? Like nobody wants you, nobody needs you, or nobody is aware that you exist. well, it sounds exaggerating, but that's what i'm feeling now.
i don't know what's going on with me now. i'm just feeling empty. i'm bored, i'm tired with everything. i'm so overwhelming with odd stuff.
i'm feeling that there is no something special in me. if i look around, i see someone who is good at music, who has sweet voice, who is so creative, who can draw great pictures, who is so talented. and when i look at another way, i see someone who is so beautiful, who has a great body, who is wanted by many guys out there, who is so fabulous.
i know that i'm not supposed to be like this. but i'm feeling that i'm nothing.
if look at myself. i have so many flaws. i have no talent, i have no special skills, i'm not pretty, my characteristic and attitude are not good enough,
one of my friends always tells me that there is a guy who's trying to get close to her. well, sometimes i doubt it. but deep inside, i'm envy with her.
i'm not a good friend. i think that's why now i'm feeling that everyone leaves me. the ones that i used to consider as best friends, now mean nothing for me.
doesn't it hurt when you always try your best to always be there for everyone who needs you, but they don't do the same when you are feeling down and so lonely?
i don't wanna be a hypocrite. but i feel disappointed with them who only come when they need me.
i don't know if i've done that such thing, but i promise myself not to be like that in the future (i hope).

and this is the point. i never want to be honest with people about this. i wanna be loved. i want guys to want me. i wanna see guys are giving effort to get to know me and get close to me.
reality sucks, doesn't it?
i don't know what seems so wrong with me? am i not attractive? i'm wondering what guys are thinking when they see me.
actually i know what i have to do. fix my self. yup, that's it. but it's hard, isn't it?
i always underestimate my self. i can't forgive my self for every stupid things i've done. i can't truly accept who i am.
there are many days when i'm questioning "why is this happening to me?"

to be honest, i need a guy who can convince me that i'm worth it. a guy that i can give my trust with. a guy who will not give up on me.
when i think i've found one, but then i realized that he is not the right one. when he is the right one, sadly i think i'm not the one he's looking for and i end up thinking that i'm not good enough to him.

i don't even know what's going to me right this moment.
empty. yup, empty.

-Salatiga, March 3rd, 2017

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Not for the Second Time

It's been awhile since your last greeting. It's still clear in my mind how close we were. Every moment, every story, every joke that we had shared together, they are still fresh in my brain.

And that day, the day when you chose to avoid me and started to hook up with another girl, I still remember how much pain I got. Noticeably, you tried to get into someone else. I was wandering, did you do it deliberately? did you know how I felt? did you purposely give scar on me?

Can't deny it that actually I was hurt. I'm still hurt. Seems like all the things that we had done mean nothing.

I know that we will end up only as a friend. But, I don't wanna lie that I have a feeling for you.

That time when I realized you were trying to get close to someone else, I decided to get over you. Looking for all the bad things about you and trying to hate you.
Well, honestly it works. I hate you. But, not because those negative things about you. It's because you left me broken. You left me hanging without any closures.

Then time passed, and slowly that feeling fade away. But it's not gone. It's still there. Every time I saw you, I tried so hard to be as normal as possible. Do you know that?
Even my friends don't know the truth. I have no brave to tell them. I don't want to embarrass my self. Yet I admit it, I still want to get close to you. Not as a couple, but  as a friend. As a good friend.

I've ever said that one day you would come to me, greet me, and do the things that we used to do.
And it turns out the way I thought.
Suddenly you greeted me, asked me about those college stuff, and asked for advice. It's so unexpected though.
Then you said, "It's been awhile I didn't talk to you". I smiled.

I don't know what comes next between us. Whether we can be as close as we used to be or still the way we are now? I don't know.

From now on, I just want to let things happen the way it should happen. I have no any expectations about us.
And one thing, I will never fall into you again. Thank you for everything.

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