Is It Even Real?

So finally I meet you again after these past two months of me spending time with another guy whom I thought would last longer. The first time you came into my life I knew that my heart would always choose you over him even though I knew that it was supposed to be him who was my priority. It was such a sadness when I had to cut you out. It was a regret when I had to make you get you out of my life. Until the time I separated with him, and my mind wondered where you were. I always waited for the time you would greet me again in a chat room. But you weren't there. You weren't anywhere. I couldn't find you and I decided to just lived my life as usual.

And suddenly you were there. You were there right in front of my eyes. I kept thinking of how starting a conversation with you. The only thing that came up in my head was telling you "I broke up". And this is how it all started.

I don't know whether I'm stupid but I let you into my life again with free access. You greeted me again, we chatted and talked for hours. And I found my comfort zone in you. Is it wrong? I keep asking my self. I know that I have to let go of you but my heart doesn't want to.

You told me you'd been interested in me even before I met him. You told me you'd been paying attention to me silently without I realized it. You told me I didn't even notice you while you were there right in front of me. And you really meant it when you greeted me first that evening on social media. I keep asking myself "is it all just a lie?". My brain tells me not to easily believe it, but my heart doesn't said so. I just believe in all that stories in just even a second.

Now I feel it again. The feeling of me wanting someone to come and stay in my life. The feeling of me who is afraid if I have to lose you. The feeling of me thinking that you just a liar and the same like those jerks out there and eventually makes my self collapse. The feeling of me who always miss you and wish you were here right by my side. But who am I asking these kind of things while you are not even mine? Who am I asking these when I know that the future is impossible to be ours?

You said let's just enjoy it and see what the future will be. But I'm afraid. I really am. I'm afraid the more time I spend with you, the more I feel comfortable with you. The more I feel comfortable with you, the more I find my comfort in you. The more comfort I find in you, the more I feel that I want you. The more I feel that I want you, the more I'm afraid to lose you. Don't you know that? Don't you see that?

You give me what I want, you are being the guy that I want. But why are we so different? It's difficult and it will be more difficult in the future. I'm afraid of the future and I'm afraid of losing you. Do you even think about it? Do you even think about me?

I want you. I want more of you.

But, my mind is back to that question: "is it even real?"