Emptyness

Have you ever felt that you are the most unwanted person in the world? the most useless person? Like nobody wants you, nobody needs you, or nobody is aware that you exist. well, it sounds exaggerating, but that's what i'm feeling now.
i don't know what's going on with me now. i'm just feeling empty. i'm bored, i'm tired with everything. i'm so overwhelming with odd stuff.
i'm feeling that there is no something special in me. if i look around, i see someone who is good at music, who has sweet voice, who is so creative, who can draw great pictures, who is so talented. and when i look at another way, i see someone who is so beautiful, who has a great body, who is wanted by many guys out there, who is so fabulous.
i know that i'm not supposed to be like this. but i'm feeling that i'm nothing.
if look at myself. i have so many flaws. i have no talent, i have no special skills, i'm not pretty, my characteristic and attitude are not good enough,
one of my friends always tells me that there is a guy who's trying to get close to her. well, sometimes i doubt it. but deep inside, i'm envy with her.
i'm not a good friend. i think that's why now i'm feeling that everyone leaves me. the ones that i used to consider as best friends, now mean nothing for me.
doesn't it hurt when you always try your best to always be there for everyone who needs you, but they don't do the same when you are feeling down and so lonely?
i don't wanna be a hypocrite. but i feel disappointed with them who only come when they need me.
i don't know if i've done that such thing, but i promise myself not to be like that in the future (i hope).

and this is the point. i never want to be honest with people about this. i wanna be loved. i want guys to want me. i wanna see guys are giving effort to get to know me and get close to me.
reality sucks, doesn't it?
i don't know what seems so wrong with me? am i not attractive? i'm wondering what guys are thinking when they see me.
actually i know what i have to do. fix my self. yup, that's it. but it's hard, isn't it?
i always underestimate my self. i can't forgive my self for every stupid things i've done. i can't truly accept who i am.
there are many days when i'm questioning "why is this happening to me?"

to be honest, i need a guy who can convince me that i'm worth it. a guy that i can give my trust with. a guy who will not give up on me.
when i think i've found one, but then i realized that he is not the right one. when he is the right one, sadly i think i'm not the one he's looking for and i end up thinking that i'm not good enough to him.

i don't even know what's going to me right this moment.
empty. yup, empty.

-Salatiga, March 3rd, 2017